6 Things Not To Tell A Depressed Person

 "But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them"  Matthew 9:36a

Compassion is love in action, yet many times love isn’t the first thing shown by the words we speak. Having personally struggled with suicidal depression since childhood, I have learned that while people mean well, most fail the best ability to help. What they say is less than helpful even when they truly desired to help me. Friends and family reached higher levels of frustration. It wasn’t because they didn’t want to but they didn't know how to restore my health. Unfortunately, many things were said that sent me deeper into myself.

The depressed person may know all about their condition but hasn’t the physical or mental tools to change the problem. They know there’s a problem but can’t explain anything about it to anyone. When the ill person tries to explain it, it can come out all jumbled up with emotions and sound crazy, mad, and pitiful. Then there are the silences that are so loud in the mind. There is the isolation and social withdrawals and the lonely anger with less and less outlets: the worse the depression, the worse the self-hatred, which can increase the depression.

I faced this for years, imaging my silence was screaming for help yet not one word escaped me. Then I would have terrible rages of anger and frustration at the inability to express all the things pressuring me, real or imagined. No one understood how I would get so incredible angry and hurt myself and I hadn’t learned how to organize and itemize the thoughts of suicide, fear, and shyness.

Listed are 6 statements that are less than appreciative to a depressed person and a few hints of why they won’t, or can’t work from the inside.

•  “Snap out of it!” If it were possible to suddenly become happier, then depression would not exist. A sudden snapping into normalcy is about the most impossible action for anyone in any abnormal situation. You wouldn’t say “Snap out of it” to someone choking on a piece of food or someone drowning. You would come alongside the distressed person and do something to change the situation. So after carefully examining the situation, what can you do in the situation of the depressed person?

• “It’s all in your head.” Well ‘Duh!’ Obviously, you’re pointing at a house fire and telling the fireman what he’s combating. Our mind is the memory bank of our lives. Depression affects the entire body, and yes, it is in the mind. We store bad memories right alongside the good memories. If you delete something on your computer, you’ve only told the machine to store it in a deep file somewhere inaccessible to you but They never went away. It is still possible to retrieve them. For some, deleting the bad memories isn’t as easy as it is to others. Sometimes the bad memories override the good ones, feeding fears, and anger. Something that may help in some situations is try increasing the feeling of security . That was a major factor in restoring my health.

• “You need counseling.” You’ve mastered another obvious statement. Here's a hint, if you know the person you to which you just said that to, then you are probably the best counselor for them. You’re most likely closer to knowing what the root of the depression is. I’ve discovered through years of receiving professional counseling, that having the listening ear of a close friend is tremendously foundational to my better health. A listening friend as a sounding board can do as much as a professional and it’s less expensive. (That’s not to say professional counseling doesn’t work and if it is going to help, definitely seek it.)

• “You need to get out more.” Yes, isolation is bad but a depressed person is in a disconnected state of mind. Placing them among a lot of bustle and hustle can enhance the feeling of separation. I called that my glass box. I could see and hear people around me but I had locked myself inside my own see-through prison. Connection was broken, I couldn’t reach out, and those outside couldn’t reach me. Perversely, isolation gives the mind abnormal space to chew on abnormal problems and come up with abnormal solutions. A few friends, and a few acts of kindness in the space where the ill person is are a big help to those isolating themselves. And don’t expect an overnight change just because you did something once, it could take time and you may need a lot of patience.

7th grade picture & I was a depressed teenager

• “You need medication.” This is a cold statement, especially from family or friends. Yes, they very well might need some kind of medication, and while medications are available for helping, medication means drugs. The depressed person may fear what drugs mean or might do, and should only given by doctors after testing and examination. And the taking of medicines has to be monitored by someone, especially at the very beginning. For depressed people, taking medication can be difficult to keep track of on their own. If the person begins taking medications, don’t leave them to it, as if everything is going to be better; make sure it’s a daily pattern added in their lives.

• “What’s wrong with you?” Another very cold statement. A physical illness, overwhelming circumstances, stress, a great loss, or any number of things could cause it, so how could they tell you what it is while in a depressive state of mind? If they even attempt explaining it you may not understand the description. It may sound like nonsense to you. This does not mean you don't care, maybe you're not the best person to come alongside them. Any of your honest intentions to help quite possibly could hinder. Lending a hand from a distance may be all you need to do after you seek others to help your friend or family member. If it isn't within your realm of knowledge, let a compassionate personality be the closer companion. Help from a distance as you can and if there’s something for you to do, step up and perform it.

If you decide to help, please walk carefully. One simple mistake, easily made, is doing everything for the depressed person. Unfortunately, this could keep them in their state of mind. 

Whatever you do, try to do something within your ability. It may be asking them to help you, giving them small responsibilities, or trusting them with something. It could be secretly paying a bill, supplying a meal, or taking care of their child for a few hours. How about asking them if they want to walk in the sunshine, take photographs, or play a game. Laughter does add to health.  

If you want to help or think you can help a hurting person, 

whatever you do, do all with love.

You can accomplish much without having to mention the illness.

When you love someone, you move with compassion to fill the need.

I now can feel my depression and notice when it is affecting me. I have learned to watch myself and seek the friends I need when it begins. Jesus has helped me live life more abundantly, and even though my flesh gets in the way, I have my Lord to sustain me.

Not everyone has Jesus, but everyone needs Him.